Functional with Flair

Dear nocturnal creatures of the Ohio Valley,
I am sorry. I’m not the horrible murderess that you think I am. I do not intend to pick you off one by one, family by family. It’s just that you shouldn’t scratch for worms in the middle of a paved road. Silly raccoons.
Apologetically,
Sleepy woman in the white accent

As I was driving home at the ass crack of dawn today… this morning… whatever… I drove up over a hill, and onto three raccoons. I cried like a baby after I hit them. I have this guilty horrible-person feeling like I just killed mama raccoon, papa raccoon and made baby raccoon into little orphan raccoon. I’m really, really, really feeling bad. …I’m really sorry and need to go sniffle some more. I can’t believe I keep hitting raccoons. I’m gonna have nightmares tonight.